Fiat Lux

The light shines in the darkness,
and the darkness has not overcome it.

"I like you too."

thirsteebrandon:

Probably one of the most amazing phrases you can hear. It just feels great to have the person you have feelings for, has mutual feelings for you.

(Source: fuckinbrandonayee, via sangcompany)

An aspect of myself I’ve been really wanting to change as of late has been my ability to affirm others in their talents and skills.

I’ve never been much of an expressive person, but as I find myself in the process of becoming an upperclassman mentor, I’ve begun to see how so much of my development as a student, a dancer, and a student minister has been fueled by the honest encouragement and acknowledgement of selfless GSI’s, choreographers, committee chairs, and so on.

I do think that a huge part of being a successful person in life largely involves the capacity to appreciate others for their uniqueness and irreplaceability. I imagine that God’s way of winning our hearts over to Him is in part enabled by His ability to see others for what they are, disregarding what they’re not.

Whether it may be hard to see or not, I’d like to think that there’s always a little bit of perfection in every person I meet, and that an important aspect of the Christian life entails helping others see themselves as God sees them - perfect in their own little ways.

Lord, help me to love.

Retreats continue to amaze me in their capacity to communicate, in very compelling ways, the necessity for honest self-reflection and balance in one’s life.

Tomorrow, I plan to do something I haven’t really done in a very long time - take the whole day off to go into the city and get lost. With the exception of Confession and Mass, I don’t think I’ll have a specific agenda in mind. But  to walk, and to be, and to explore the hidden nooks and crannies that exist within the complexities of a concrete jungle, I seem to come out of these spontaneous adventures with the sense that if I can find my way back out of a district, a corner, an alley or two; I can find my way back to the person God has always called me to be.

The past two weeks have been intense. They have been challenging, They have led to many doubts and reconsiderations.

Regarding my major. Regarding my commitments. Regarding my spirituality. Regarding my relationships, both romantic and platonic.

In the past two weeks, I have come to realize just how little effort I have been putting into an honest discernment of God’s will for me in the past semester or so. I’ve taken friendships for granted, focused on irrelevant endeavors, and acted without intention.

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proverbs31v25:

"God used astonishing brilliance making you an original. Don’t spend all your energy trying to be the same." - Louie Giglio

(Source: proverbs31v25, via merebrooke)

May or may not have a Professor named Berger and I may or may not be tempted to submit every paper to him with a “do you want fries with that, Berger?”

(Source: emanuelco, via one-and-only-kind)

The amount of times I oscillate between wanting to major in cog sci and psych is borderline ridiculous right now because I’m starting to feel like the only reason why I’m putting in all this work to double major is because I’ve put off the much more difficult questions I’ve yet to answer about myself:

What are my strengths? What are my weaknesses? What am I most passionate about? In what ways can I use my skills and talents to glorify God and help others? How can I seek to be a more well rounded individual for the benefit of myself and to the world? Am I willing to put in the work to accomplish these ends?

At the moment, I’m really kind of stuck with the classes I’m taking this semester, but afternoon visits to the academic advising offices in both Evans (for cog sci) and Tolman (for psych) have somewhat solidified and confirmed a few truths about myself that I’ve been trying to avoid for quite some time.

  1. There’s no way I’m getting out of going to grad school, regardless of whether or not I double major.
  2. My pending semesters for the next two years or so are going to be pretty packed and stressful if I keep up with a double….. not leaving much time for research opportunities, job experiences, exploring different interests, being a human being, etc.
  3. Cog sci compels me to the extent that its requirements span different departments and I can gain credit for that, but nothing’s stopping me from doing the same within psych and going crazy with electives.
  4. If I’m really so adamant about sticking with cog sci, I’ll definitely need more individualized attention and instruction, especially when it’ll come to the CS and math requirements.. In which case I may consider transferring to a smaller private school.
  5. I can’t imagine scenario 4 ever happening, therefore…

With necessary time, I should be able to accept that I shouldn’t double major if I’m not equally as passionate in both departments, I shouldn’t double major with the false hope that it’ll make me stand out and be fabulous or whatever, and while I do concede that it may be hard for me to swallow that I could have avoided these complications altogether if I just asked these questions much sooner than later, I’m sure that this predicament will help me grow, regardless of what I choose to do by the end of this semester.

Some really attractive Latina girl in lab today was flirting with me for a good 30 minutes to get help, and it worked for the most part until I had to tell her that “No, I can’t check off your lab or give you lab solutions because I’m not a GSI.”

"….shit."

Then she left.

Some concluding thoughts about the mishap:

  1. I guess I really do look older than I actually am
  2. I wonder if this is secretly the reason why guys become GSI’s
  3. I’m actually concerned that the girl thought that she was flirting with a GSI…..
  4. If I flirted with my GSI’s for lab solutions, I’d probably get a restraining order… or a few laughs out of pity. And I’m still trying to figure out which would be worse
  5. Apparently, making overt attempts to seduce Joseph can make Joseph way more uncomfortably awkward than he already is in his normal state of being.. And accents are a weakness
  6. Number 5 is possible

….and that’s probably as much action as I’m going to get this semester.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

It’s crazy to think that just within a matter of a year, I’ve improved so significantly with dancing in terms of acknowledging the nuanced textures embedded in different pieces, reducing the time and obviousness with which I prep for moves, adding more precision within my movements in such a way that doesn’t look rushed, and simply picking up choreo that much quicker.

I rarely ever like to look at old casting videos, but I definitely see a huge improvement over these things in my practice last night when compared to the first piece I ever learned last year:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-ICOnO1zyA

I definitely still need to work on fixing my occasional awkward angles and extensions, though I’ve been able to decrease those with time.. And I still need to maintain total control of my head and body during faster and more hard hitting choreo.

But growth like this makes me excited for how much more I can improve in the semesters to come.